


Demons in my Brain, Love.

by thinlines



Series: Able to Love [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Affairs, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confusion, Emotional, Flirting, Heavy Angst, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Louis POV, Louis gets himself together, M/M, Not Cheating, Reconciliation, Sadness, blame, louis has a tragic past, louis is a flirt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 04:38:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19863613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinlines/pseuds/thinlines
Summary: Related to Part 1 (Not Scared of Love, Just Scared to Love) This is told from Louis' POV."I can kiss, I can fuck, I can make love, to anyone. But after you. I can’t. Not when I am thinking about you. Not when my thoughts reek of you. You are too much."Or Louis gets his shit together and confronts Harry.





	Demons in my Brain, Love.

**Author's Note:**

> Have you guys go listened to Juice Wrld yet? He's so brilliant. All credits to him. Louis is kind of a hoe in this fic but he gets around and stops fooling around because of Harry. They are made for each other what more can I say?
> 
> [Tumblr](https://thinlinez.tumblr.com/)

Louis was abandoned by his father the first week after he was born. His mom died months after, raising him alone and then dying from exhaustion and overwork, with him in her arms. He was an orphan but it was his biggest secret. He tried so hard to fit in. He tried to not move from foster home to foster home. He was strong, he reasoned. He didn’t need anyone. He knew that no one was going to be there in the end and why should he get his hopes up? This was the perfect excuse. The best excuse, Louis reckoned, when a boy with sandy blond hair had told Louis that “I like you! I think!” and Louis had replied “Okay! But just know I like everyone!” in kindergarten. He opened himself to anyone and everyone that wanted him. He didn’t judge, he accepted. He didn’t give, he just take it all. Because, he reasoned, he didn’t have anyone who really cared and will stick around so what was the point of denying anyone that wanted him? He shrugged, laughed and smiled at life. He was life. He was living. His best. The best version of himself that he had crafted. The best mask to hide underneath and feel complete and safe. He was content. Just to be there and be loved.

That was all before Harry. Harry fucking Styles. Harry who made his presence known to Louis that snowy day when he had hit (it had most definitely be Harry’s fault not Louis’ because the stupid Bambi like boy had just gotten his license a week before the accident) Louis’ car straight on. Louis’ secondhand car wasn’t even really his. It was the foster family “family car” that just so happened to be mostly used by Louis and since he lived quite far from the high school, he got privilege to use it first. It was nice. After meeting Harry that night he had walked home, all five miles back home, catching himself thinking about Harry’s mossy green eyes and his dimples. He had a great time teasing Harry and when Harry confessed, he shouldn’t really be that surprised since a lot of people had told him “I like you.” before. Harry wasn’t his first and he most certainly wasn’t going to be last. Louis had said “Kiss me.” before really thinking about anything else. Later as he turned over the scene in his mind, he had felt a strong pull of curiosity as to what Harry’s plump red lips tasted like. He became angry. Angry at himself that he was having thoughts about some strange kid at school who he had never noticed before.

The next day at school, he watched for Harry. Kept a close eye out for him. It turned out not to be that hard when the boy had boldly approached Louis out of nowhere. “Can I kiss you?” Louis marveled a little at how deep his voice was even though he was only sixteen. He bit back an “I don’t know? Can you?” chuckling to himself at the whole scenario. Here was another boy who “claimed” to be head over heels for Louis. He wasn’t complaining, no. But how could someone love someone else so easily? Confess to them the first time they meet? Is that even possible? Louis absolutely detested the thought of love at first sight. How can you trust a person that you don’t even know? Don’t even know their last name.

Louis had been angry but he had grown so good at controlling himself that he could put on a peaceful almost nonchalant façade anytime he wanted. He smiled, then, at Harry and rose to his tiptoes, because somehow the boy had awfully good growth spurts and was almost a head taller than Louis, and kissed Harry. Not caring at all that he was in front of his friends. Not caring at all that there were other people in the vicinity. He didn’t care and he loved it, relish the feeling of having control over his emotions, of having the power to not give a fuck about the world but himself. Call him selfish. Louis called it self-protection. Harry tasted of caramel, like he had been eating nothing but desserts all day. He was sickeningly sweet and why, why didn’t Louis hate it? Even though it was an innocent, chaste kiss, almost like a greeting, it felt bigger than that. Before he could think about it any longer, he walked away. Willed himself to walk away. His friends trailing behind him.

Louis had a plan. He didn’t know why he felt like he needed to prove a point. Prove something to himself maybe. Not to Harry. Most definitely not the curly haired boy. Not that Louis cared. Or even think about Harry. Nope he didn’t. He pulled Eleanor aside after her gym class. She was obsessed with him even though he had rejected her affections many times. Her many offers to suck him off and the like. He just didn’t really like girls that way. So… he just lets her kiss him sometimes. If he was bored. If he was in a good mood. Or if he needed to prove a point.

“You can use me.” Eleanor had told him after his many rejections of her attempt to fuck him. “Use you to what?” “Use me to get off.” “Um… thanks El. But no thanks. You should… you shouldn’t degrade yourself like that.” “But I want to. I want you, Lou.” “Okay fine. But we can only kiss, okay? I can’t… I’m gay. I can’t do things with girls. I am really sorry.” That afternoon, behind the gym, he lets her kiss him. Rough and a little too much saliva. She pulled away with a wet sucking sound and Louis hid his wince, trying to school his expression into something passive. “You taste good.” He lied, thinking about how he wanted some caramel candy. Green eyes flashed and Louis felt the prick in the back of his neck. He knew Harry was watching.

“Zayn.”

“Louis.”

“You here for some weed?”

Louis laughed. “I’m too broke for that.”

Zayn shrugged, indifferently. This was why Louis liked Zayn, genuinely enjoyed his company. He was so laid back and didn’t take anything or anyone seriously. Kind of like Louis himself. “You can always have some. No charge. On the house. You know that Lou.” All his friends called him Lou. He wondered if Harry would call him that someday. Louis shook himself, pinching his arm hard. He was thinking about a certain someone again and it surely wasn’t healthy.

“I’m not here for weed.” He told Zayn solemnly and grinned.

“Then what are you waiting for then?” Zayn quirked up an eyebrow, pulling Louis in by his belt and kissing him soft and sweet at first and then sinking his tongue mercilessly into Louis’ hot mouth. Kissing Zayn was thrilling, Louis had to admit. But Zayn didn’t taste like caramel and Louis hated the fact that he wasn’t satisfied with Zayn’s deep kiss. They make out. Not on a daily basis but still… quite often. It took the edge off things. Often, they kiss when they were high. It felt good. To be with someone. To let go and sink into the dark abyss of the high with someone. He bid Zayn goodbye after he made sure that Harry had saw them.

Before his math class, he waited by Alex’s locker. Alex was a friend he met during summer camp who, he discovered, was also a foster kid and who happened to go to the same high school as him. They hit it off right away. Louis was too poor to afford to go to summer camp so instead he worked in the kitchens, earning a little money over the summer and fooling around with a handsome tall camp leader. Alex. He looked a little like Harry, Louis realized with a pan and he had to shove this thought away. His hair was short while Harry’s was long. His eyes were brown while Harry’s were green. He didn’t have dimples while Harry did. Yet his whole demeanor gave off a Harry like vibe and Louis didn’t hate it, not at all. He smiled up coyly at Alex and Alex answered with a word with a kiss, fat and full on his lips. Alex tasted like the tacos he must have had for lunch, spicy mustard. “What are you doing here, Lou?” Alex mused, petting his cheek affectionately. “Just hanging out. Missed you.” “Oh you don’t miss me. I know you don’t. Saw you found yourself another new boo thang this morning.” Louis raised his eyebrow at this. “And speaking of the devil there he is.” Alex said and Louis followed his gaze, finding Harry by the lockers on the opposite side of the hall. The boy’s back was stiff and oddly still as he fiddled with the lock on his locker. “I don’t know who that is.” Louis insisted, rolling his eyes dramatically and turning back to Alex. “Really?” The brown haired boy asked, smirking. “Because that guy looked like he was about to come over here and strangle me or maybe… stab me to death with his pencil.” He mused. Louis sighed and shrugged the comment off. “I do miss you though, Alex.” He said and Alex smiled. He leaned down to kiss Louis again. “Come over? After school?” He whispered into Louis’ hair. “Maybe.”

“Liam, you know I love you.”

“No you don’t.”

“Fine. Your words not mine, Payno.” Louis said as he plucked Liam’s bowl of chicken pasta from the boy’s hands. Liam whined out loud. Louis made sure to skewer as many chicken as he could on the fork and raised it to his lips, making a show of taking the biggest bite. He could hear Liam swallow.

“That was my… my pre workout meal, Lou.” Liam continued.

“You don’t need the protein. You’re already a big boy.” Louis teased. In the corner of his eye, he could see Harry entering the cafeteria and even though he had seen the boy this morning, it still left him quaking a little at how good Harry looked. In just a simple grey shirt, rolled up at the sleeves to reveal toned biceps. Fuck him, Louis thought.

“Give me a kiss, Payno and you get your food back. Mind you I didn’t eat lunch so I can easily just… destroy this.” Louis said gesturing to the pasta, smirking. Liam didn’t hesitate, leaning in and kissing Louis. The kiss was playful and meant nothing to both parties. Liam was a good friend. He might not fool around with Louis like Zayn did and he might not be gay but Louis really enjoyed teasing the boy so he kept him. He could see Harry exiting the cafeteria in a hurry. This will do.

He didn’t expect Harry to be waiting for him. Clearly waiting for Louis since the whole school was silent and everyone probably all left. Save for the head of curls sitting on the school’s steps. “Harry Styles.” He might, might have not asked around for Harry’s last name. “Are you waiting for me?” Louis asked, a little pleased and a little angry. “I like you, Louis.” Came Harry’s reply and again, Louis was angry at how floored he was to hear the boy’s confession. “I know, you told me.” Louis simply replied and couldn’t help himself when he reached for Harry’s curls. Louis had always thought curls were overrated. Grandmas, little girls and singers sport them all the time. Too much perm. But Harry, Harry’s was all natural, Louis was sure. Soft and silky, slipping through his fingers. “So… so you let everyone who says ‘I like you’, kiss you.” Louis really didn’t appreciate this boy’s bold and honest statements sometimes. “I do. I’m an asshole aren’t I?” Louis said rather bitingly, with his hand still in Harry’s hair. Just an excuse to touch a little longer he guessed. “Why?” Louis felt himself shrug, “I don’t think my heart really knows who to choose.” He said this because it was the truth. He didn’t often know what his heart craved. Attention? Love? Affection? Escape? He really didn’t know. “I don’t know you, you don’t know me.” He turned to Harry still talking. “And you can walk away any time you want, Harry. But don’t call me a heartbreaker because if you offer your heart I will always take it. I take everyone’s hearts. It is only fair.” Louis concluded.

The look on Harry’s face was hard to take in. It was painful, Louis realized with shock, that he felt sorry for hurting Harry, for saying those words to Harry, for lying to Harry. The truth was Louis didn’t want to break Harry’s heart but he didn’t know how _not_ to, when he was so good at just accepting everyone. How can he single out Harry? Why was he even thinking about singling out Harry? Why did the boy with green eyes make his way into Louis’ thoughts so much lately? Taking up all his personal space. Louis hated it. Hated himself.

“Do you still like me Harry?” Louis said looking him straight in the eyes. “Yes.” Harry said in a petrified whisper. “Then kiss me.” Louis demanded unreasonably, knowing full well that Harry was in no shape to deny him. Harry nodded and pulled himself up from where he had been sitting. He cupped Louis’ jaw, tilted it to the side and kissed Louis long and deep. Louis swallowed his muffled hitch of breath in his throat. Harry tasted just as good as he did that morning. So sweet, caramel, Louis was swimming in candy land. Then, he tasted the salt. The saltiness invading his senses and when Harry pulled away, Louis discovered that the boy was crying. He was crying for Louis. Because Louis didn’t love him back. But didn’t Louis? He was furious now. Furious with himself. He was making a lovely boy cry.

“I love you.” Harry said to him and Louis was suddenly sent back in time, to the few times that these words, with so much power behind them, had been spoken to him. He had never been in a serious relationship and so naturally, rarely did he get “I love you”s thrown at him and catching him off guard. Maybe there was that guy he had a fling with at Leeds Festival years ago. Maybe there was that other guy from that one band that had took Louis backstage. Maybe… Things begin to lose their meaning in the light of Harry entering Louis’ small and pathetic life. Harry was good. He was so good to Louis and he loved, he loved Louis, even when he knew close to zero shit about Louis. How messed up Louis was in the head. “But you… you are hurting me.” Louis frowned at these words but could only shrug. He knew that it was a bad habit but he often found himself shrugging when he didn’t know how to react in some situations. As if he could shrug all the trouble, struggles and pain away. “I… I’m going to leave now.” Harry said. Louis nodded weakly. Louis watched Harry stumbled down the slippery steps and he found himself pulling out his phone, shooting an “I’ll be over in fifteen.” to Alex.

Louis didn’t get into college. He was too poor and bad at sitting still, bad at studying. Period. He was going to study Engineering but hell, he was so bad at school that he could only sneak into college parties. He lived off campus, in a flat he shared with Nick, this really rude guy he met during the time he interned for a radio station. Nick had let him live and basically bum off of him in exchange for… sex. They were friends with benefits okay? Maybe they were both really lonely. There was sexual tension in Louis, ever since high school, ever since Harry had stopped looking at him in the halls, ever since the boy had cut himself off from Louis, completely. Sexual tension burning in the pit of his stomach. Mixed with rage. Mostly at himself. Louis should have seen it coming. He had hurt Harry and the boy walked away, out of his life, like everyone should and would eventually end up doing. Louis was used to it. He was used to being left cold in the snow. He didn’t mind. He brought it upon himself really. He reasoned that Harry was merely a boy with raging hormones who just needed someone, an object of infatuation and Louis just so happened to be around at that confusing time.

Nick had snuck him in through the window of the second story of the frat house. “Well, I really thought I would fall and break my neck.” Louis said, bemused as Nick pulled him through the window successfully and they both collapsed onto the ground. Nick rolled his eyes and pinched Louis in cheek. “You look very fuckable tonight, Tomlinson.” He said simply and rose to his gangly feet, brushing himself off. “And you look like a fucking hipster, like you always do.” Louis shot back. Nick rolled his eyes. “You always can’t take a compliment can you?” He snapped back and exited the room before Louis could reply.

Louis made friends instantly as he took shots with the strangers, the frat boys around him. He was good at that. Good at smiling, knowing what to say, when to say things, how to act, how to be likable. He wasn’t faking it at all, it was a part of him. He relished in attention and thrived. He was watching some rowdy freshmen playing beer pong and getting bored out of his mind when he had spotted a familiar mop of curls and also choked on his mouthful of beer. Harry. Louis hadn’t allowed himself to think of that name since he graduated. Not allowing himself to be evaded by thoughts and feelings too confusing and powerful for his liking. He liked to be in control and when it came to Harry, he had none of it. Harry. Simply standing there and staring back at Louis with those forest greens. He looked so good. So good that Louis could cry. In a jean jacket over a plain white shirt. In tight jeans hugging his long legs. In brown hipster boots, the kind that Nick definitely also owned. Harry. It was as if years of suppressed emotions was dragging Louis, none too gently, through its waters. Louis was not surfacing, he was drowning. He felt like he was having an asthma attack as he struggled to breathe even though he knew he was perfectly healthy and fine.

A hand was tapping him on the shoulder. He saw Nick in his peripherals so he didn’t protest as the older man pulled him through the crowd. His eyes never leaving Harry’s until he couldn’t see the boy anymore. “Christ, Louis, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Nick’s voice drifted into his ears and Louis blinked. It was not a good time to have a mental breakdown, Louis reasoned and pulled himself together. He leveled Nick with a stare. “I certainly did. I think I should get a side job, as a ghost hunter.” He said and saw Nick sighing in relief. “I thought you saw your ex. Or something. You look so pale.” Nick said jokingly. Louis’ heart skipped a beat. His ex. Not that Harry was his ex. Not that they have been together. It was stupid for Nick to assume anything at all. He slapped Nick’s arm in silent retaliation. “This is a good friend of mine at the radio station. He saw you last week. He said he wanted to meet you.” Louis found himself looking up, up, he was almost craning his neck, at this really tall guy wearing a bright smile. He had soft looking hair free of products and he smelled fresh, unlike Nick who smelled of thick cologne. Louis reached out his hand. “A fan of mine, I see. Nice to meet you, I’m Louis.” “So I’ve heard! I’m Greg. Greg James.” The other man was shaking his hands and not letting go. Louis cleared his throat. Greg dropped his hand immediately, blushing. “Let me get you a beer.” He said to Louis and left the room. “He likes you, you know. You’re his crush.” Nick said nodding a little towards the door where Greg had gone through. “I am everyone’s crush.” Louis stated and Nick laughed. “Yeah I really think you are.” “Take him home tonight, Tomlinson.” Nick said. “Are you ordering me around like one of your little whores? How dare you pimp me like that, Grimshaw.” Louis said, aghast. Nick chuckled, “You know you’re a little like a whore.” He told Louis and Louis sometimes really hated the guy. He resolved not to take Greg home and prove a point to Nick.

He didn’t know he had to sell an arm and a leg to Niall Horan of all people. Just to get information on Harry. He had to treat Niall to Nando’s. Of all places. Sitting opposite to the Irish boy who had stopped dying his hair after high school so now his color was brown, almost unrecognizable. He watched helplessly as Niall worked his way through almost a month of Louis’ savings. “You fancy Harry?” Niall asked through mouthful of chicken. “What? NO! I don’t.” Louis said pointedly. “Then why are you stalking him?” “I am not stalking him! For the last time, Niall, I just want to get him alone for a few minutes so we can… umm… we can… have a little catch up, a chat of the good old days.” Niall peered suspiciously over at Louis from behind his chicken wrap. “Harry just found work recently. Out of town. Next town over I think. Dunno where. But he takes this early bus at around 7am. Bus 28 I think. That’s all I know, Lou.” Niall had been his good friend who was always at his side through high school. They had both been transfer students and it was good to have company, good to hang out at first when the whole school was staring a little too hard at Louis in particular.

“It’s because you’re pretty.” Niall had said when Louis told him about it. He felt like he was being watched everywhere since the first week of school and it was getting on his nerves for some time now. “Aw… since when are you so sweet?” Louis had teased. “If I were into guys, which I am _not_ , I am straight as a stick, I would bang you. Not even a question, if that.” Niall had said good naturedly as Louis had poked him in the ribs. “You fancy him. Fancy the pants off of him.” Niall was saying as Louis focused back to the present. He slapped the wrap out of Niall’s hands. It landed softly on the table. Fucking 3 seconds rule as Louis watched Niall sweep the wrap up quickly and stuffing it back into his mouth. “Gross.” He said as Niall laughed.

Louis was walking home to his flat when it suddenly hit him that he didn’t really deny it when Niall had said that he fancied Harry.

He hadn’t quite expected Harry to snap like that. Snapped at Louis. Said all those things. Bring him back the waves of memories. What Harry’s words do to Louis, Louis couldn’t comprehend. His words made Louis feel things, made him see himself, as if from the other side of the mirror. He saw how selfish, how fucked up he was. _Not scared of love, just scared to love._ Harry’s words echoed in his mind as the bus pulled away, headed off to god knows where and Harry wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t warm by Louis’ side and Louis was crying. He was crying for the first time in almost a decade. More than a decade he was sure. Louis Tomlinson doesn’t cry. Didn’t cry at birth, didn’t cry when he was getting lashings from his previous foster homes, didn’t cry when he lost virginity, didn’t cry when he didn’t get into college, didn’t cry when he was jobless and on the streets. He didn’t cry. And yet, there he was, alone on a bus, bawling his eyes out.

_You never know how to appreciate someone until they leave for good_

“You okay back there?” The driver was looking at Louis through his rearview mirror. He was oddly young to be driving a bus, Louis thought. He sobbed and choked a little. “I’m fine.” He managed. “You just got dumped? What a twat.” The bus driver said, shaking his head. Louis laughed a watery laugh. “I’m actually the asshole. He isn’t a twat at all.” He said, feeling like he should be defending Harry’s dignity. The bus driver shrugged and he was still staring at Louis as the bus pulled to a stop in front of a torn down looking gas station. “Well, this is the last stop.” He said to Louis and tipped his hat. “Can you… erm… take me home? Possibly? I don’t know my way around here.” “Okay… but let me buy you breakfast. You look like you need it.” Louis was too weak to say no and he followed the driver.

The driver’s name was Luke not that it mattered. He was funny and he kissed Louis goodbye after he had pulled to a stop in front of Louis’ flat. “I’ve never gotten personally chaperoned by a bus.” Louis had said. Luke had laughed and told Louis that he was funny. They kissed, more like a parting kiss although Luke had tried to make the kiss more than it should be. Louis managed to keep it chaste. “I will see you around?” Luke questioned and Louis shook his head. “I’m sorry Luke. I…” He summoned his strength and said the words that had been building up in him that whole day. “I’m in love with someone.” “That someone… is that someone the guy with the curls from earlier?” Louis grinned a little at this. “I don’t kiss and tell.” He told Luke and turned his back on the bus driver, trudging up the stairs and into his warm bed. It had been a long and oddly enlightening day.

Louis was in love and in pain. It was hard. So hard not to think about Harry. Louis had looked around on campus most afternoons between his shift at the local bookstore and the radio station. He saw Harry once or twice but never often. The boy was always busy typing away on his phone or just silently sitting on a bench near the lake on campus and feeding the ducks. Who feeds the ducks? Louis had always wondered. Turned out people fed ducks were people like Harry. But then again, there was no one quite like Harry. Too loving and giving for this indifferent world. He had tried so hard to muster up his courage and approach the boy. But Louis was born a coward and always will be. He tried. He really did. Different drugs every night. Anything he could get his hands on, free of charge. The things he had to do to get them. He will never confess to anything. He often woke up, sluggish, in a pool of his own sweat, alone and not feeling himself at all. He hated it and so he stopped. But if he stopped it meant he had, just had to confront Harry. It was killing him.

He wasn’t expecting to talk to Harry that day. No. He was simply trying to ambush Niall who was studying Engineering (damn that Irish, always doing what Louis wanted to do and succeeding greatly at it, Louis really was proud) in the building next to Harry’s. He didn’t realize he had accidentally wandered into the English department side of the building until he was met with a faceful of Harry Styles. Sitting cross legged, crammed into the space underneath a big glass window of the staircase. He was writing in his notebook. Louis thought desperately, it was fucking _now_ , Louis had to do it _now_. He took a deep breath.

“I’m running out of options.” Was the first thing that slipped out of his mouth since of course, of fucking course, his brain malfunctioned as soon as Harry looked up from his notebook when he heard Louis approaching him. He forgets sometimes just how pretty Harry was. Like a Disney princess with that mess of curls which was cut short the summer before. He looked younger and still very pretty. Louis remembered that those words were one of his firsts to Harry. “You’re pretty.” He had most definitely said and meant it. “I tried everything.” He said helplessly. His heart ached. It was a foreign feeling. All sore. It wasn’t easy to pretend not to be in love with this boy in front of him. Ten minutes. It took Louis ten minutes to break Harry’s heart that day, on the steps of their high school. “What?” Harry snapped back, bitingly and Louis grimaced.

“I’ve tried painkillers, cigarettes, weed, molly and even _Xans_. I try them solely for the purpose of ridding you, Harry. Of getting rid of you. Get you out of my damn mind. I want to stop thinking about you. To stop having feelings for you. You’re way too much, Harry. Your words, your honesty, your ability to see what’s fucked up with me, you fucking ruined me. You crushed my philosophy of life to bits, into the ground. You make me feel for you when I’m not supposed to. I am supposed to not give a shit about anyone. I can kiss, I can fuck, I can make love, to anyone. But after you. I can’t. Not when I am thinking about you. Not when my thoughts reek of you. _You are too much._ ” The beeping coming from the watch around Harry’s wrist startled Louis and he stuttered a little, but continued. He wasn’t done. “All I do is get fucked up after that day on the bus. I told you that I didn’t care but really I do care. I wonder night after night who you were with, who was kissing you, who you love instead of me. Make me stop Harry. Make me stop caring about you.”

Louis saw that Harry had begun to cry. He saw the tears welling at the corners making the boy’s eyes turquoise for a few seconds before they fell. Fat drops onto the notebook in the boy’s lap.

“You say all this, Louis.” Harry replied slowly. “So you can what? You say all this when you know it’s already too late. I don’t, can’t wait for you to come around. You are fucked up and you fucked it up between us. How can I love you when I really can’t?” Louis was shocked. He had had the audacity to think that Harry would wait, would have waited for Louis to sort out his feelings. Waited for Louis to realize that Harry was the thing he had wanted ever since that snowy day. “You don’t love me anymore?” Louis asked, his hands are trembling at his sides. Louis tracked Harry’s big hand as it reached out and gently stroked over his lips. His lips felt raw in the wake of those long fingers.

“No.” Harry whispered.

“Okay.” Louis said and it took all his years of training himself to look unimpressed, to look like he didn’t care, for him to spin around on his heels and walk out of there. Except, as he turned, he felt large arms bracketing him, holding him tight and close. “No. I lied. I do. I do still. I do still love you. To the point where I love and I hate you.” His heart lurched happily and also painfully as he turned around in Harry’s arms to hug him back. _I love and I hate you._ Harry loved him… He was at a loss for words and he could only reach up and tug the boy to his lips. Kissing someone never felt so good. Louis felt, for the first time, that he was home.

But am I enough? Am I enough to harbor Harry’s love? Louis wondered and he said it out loud. “I’m not enough.” He murmured against Harry’s lips, licking in and finding the same sweet caramel on the tongue. “You are. You can be.” Harry simply stated. “Okay.” Louis will be better and he will change for Harry. Anything for him. To be able to love, now that was a greatest feat of all.


End file.
